Lab Notes Blog

Summary

Intro: part 1 of a 3-part miniseries

Welcome to the first installment in a 3-part mini-series on tiny tools of gratitude! 

When I started organizing my notes on the grateful reframe (more below) for this blog, I realized there was a lot more value to share than a single entry to Platinum Pivot's Tiny Toolkit. 

Gratitude and appreciation are essential elements of emotionally intelligent leadership.  In my experience, leveling up my gratitude giving (and receiving!) skills has done more to activate both allyship and upstandership in my coworkers than any of the workplace trainings we've sat through together.

Here are the synopses for each part in this mini-series:

Part 1 explores the grateful reframe from the lens of an empoweree, or when you might apply this tiny tool toward or own self-empowerment.

Part 2 explores the grateful reframe from the lens of an upstander, or when you might apply this tiny tool toward the empowerment or recognition of others.

Part 3 takes a special look at the opportunities created when we learn to accept compliments from others graciously. 

Real stories, real impact. Let's go!

The role & limits of self-deprecating language

Not to humble brag, but I don't suffer from bravado. My inner imposter is alive and well thanks to decades of cultural (and gendered) programming and working in environments where I'm the "only." 

So I've got that self-deprecation on lock. When it comes to communication in professional environments, sometimes it helps...and sometimes not.

In a nutshell: there are real cultural and social reasons for using self-deprecating language when interacting with someone (Kim, 2014). Similarly, there are contexts where the social expectation to perform humility makes sense for the sake of the ongoing interaction. 

IMHO, wielding these nuanced skills well is an art and doing so without completely erasing oneself is a true craft. 

Yet, even though the habit is socially normalized, I've noticed there are moments when my self-deprecation hasn't done me any favors as an empoweree. 

Habitual self-deprecation can add to (or even create) chronic disadvantages empowerees face. For me, that has often shown up as making a negative impression on the other person, putting them in the uncomfortable position of trying to politely disagree with me, or worse, implying my lack of appreciation for their kind gesture. All of this social volleying ultimately distracts from the actual intent and value of the interaction.

Like all tools, self-deprecating language can be effective when used in the right time and place. There is also great utility in reprogramming the habit for the right situation.

Here is a story from my own experience and how one tiny tool of gratitude opened up space for a more empowering interaction.

A story from the field

Once upon a time, in a swanky conference room far away…

My leadership was improvising to buy time with the Very Important Person waiting on me to arrive for the presentation I was meant to deliver twenty minutes ago.

Where was I? Trapped in gridlocked highway traffic during the morning rush, watching the minutes tick by as the margin for being on time to this important meeting shrank.

For the record, I left several hours before I was due to present an ambitious plan to the new chief engineer. With average conditions I should have arrived a comfortable 60 mins early.

Still, I was late. And while my blood pressure was definitely reacting to that awareness, I also knew that these things just happen despite the best laid plan. I wasn't at fault. Right??

When I arrived to the conference room, I took a grounding breath and opened the door.

"There she is!"  

"Were you caught behind that massive highway accident?"

"So glad you made it!"

To my surprise, everyone in the room seemed to be in good spirits despite the wait. They clearly understood what impacted my arrival and that of other colleagues scheduled after me. 

In that moment I had a choice. Should I open with the self-deprecating apology I'd been ruminating on during the agonizing crawl out of traffic? Or was there a more empowering move?

I decided on the latter:

Me: "Gentlemen, thank you for your patience. Nothing like a traffic nightmare to make you fashionably late, am I right?"

Chief Engineer: "Oof, been there! This one time…"

The group laughed with me as the chief shook my hand. Once he finished sharing his story, I sped through my major talking points and ended on time for the next speaker. 

It went beyond great. After accepting our recommendations, the chief suggested that I might serve a bigger role. 

Tiny Tool: the grateful reframe

The grateful reframe is a way of shifting verbal habits away from the defaults of apologizing, downplaying, or self-deprecation to saying “thank you.” (PUL, 2023) Expressing appreciation not only puts more empowering words in your own voice as an empoweree, it's also an active choice to help the other person(s) feel valued.

The grateful reframe is highly adaptable to context and personal style. It might look or sound like this:

✅"Thanks for waiting" instead of 🚫"I'm so sorry for being late."

✅"You're a good listener, thank you" instead of 🚫"Sorry for talking so much."

✅Accepting a compliment graciously instead of 🚫downplaying, dismissing, or brushing it off.  (Spoiler alert: I'll cover more as part of this mini-series.)

I can't take sole credit for the win in my field story. I had help from the leadership team who used my delay wisely, and we both put in effort to make the talk crisp and clear. Still, by choosing to reframe my late arrival for gratitude instead of apology, I helped to regulate my nervous system, added to the already good vibes in the room, and created a positive impression that worked to my advantage. I’m glad I used my remaining time with the chief engineer to offer gratitude instead of wasting it on apologies.

Conclusion

The grateful reframe works because it’s more self-empowering and better recognizes the other person's value than self-deprecating or dismissive language. By my own anecdotal calculation, empowerees get 3x return on investment with this tiny tool: boosting yourself, boosting the other person, and setting an empowering precedent for future interaction.

The first step to building the grateful reframe into your own habits is to notice what you do regularly. Consider asking a trusted colleague or mentor for feedback on how often you tend to reach for apology or dismissal. Invite them to be an accountability partner as you practice reprogramming yourself. Rehearse to get the habit to stick.

Stay tuned for the next installments of this gratitude mini-series, where I'll explore more about the power and impact of the grateful reframe from other points of view.

References

1. Kim, M.-H. (2014). Why self-deprecating? Achieving “oneness” in conversation. Journal of Pragmatics, 69, 82–98. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pragma.2014.03.004
2. Pick Up Limes. (2023, November 12). Micro habits that improved my life. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-VFShuFJXQ&t=121s